The Second Full-Time Job Nobody at Work Knows You Have

By, Naina

Heather Laing spent over 20 years designing HR systems — the benefits packages, leave policies, and employee support structures that are supposed to hold people together in a crisis. Then her family became the crisis, and the systems didn't hold.

Her son has level one autism, ADHD, and mental health challenges. For six to eight months before his hospitalization, she describes what his psychiatrist called a "five-alarm fire." She kept going because what other option was there? She had a function to lead. People counted on her. Her older son needed her. Her family needed income.

The night before she was scheduled to run a company-wide reduction in force, her son was admitted to the ER. Her husband stayed with him so she could sleep. She got up the next morning, and delivered life-altering news to 20 employees while she was, on the other side of the camera, living through her own.

She was technically eligible for FMLA in Massachusetts. She didn't take it. "I also think there was a part of me," she said, "that if I took FMLA, my son's crisis would be sort of the only thing in my life to focus on."

That's not a policy failure. That's what psychological safety — or the absence of it — actually looks like in practice.

What a Tuesday Actually Looks Like

Crisis moments are visible. Ordinary Tuesdays are not.

On a typical day before her son's hospitalization, Heather might step out of a meeting to take a call from the principal — her son had attacked a peer at recess. She'd return to the meeting, then spend the next available moment calling pharmacies one by one because his ADHD medication was on a nationwide shortage and couldn't simply be transferred as a controlled substance. Meanwhile, a therapist was scheduled at her home from 4:00 to 6:30 p.m. — but if that therapist canceled, there was no backup, because her son was only comfortable with certain people.

"It's kind of actually, as I lay that out, like three different jobs," she said. "Your paid job, your complex caregiver job, and then just your parenting."

And none of it shows up on anyone's dashboard.

The Invisible Cost Companies Are Already Paying

Heather didn't leave that company loudly. Most parents in her situation don't. She describes the pattern as a slow retreat — high performers who stop raising their hand, stop volunteering for projects, stop being fully present in meetings while technically still being on the clock. Presenteeism, it's called. Showing up without being there.

She cites research showing that 90% of parents of children with complex needs say caregiving has hurt their career in some way — through declined promotions, demotions, or turning down roles that required travel. Forty percent of parents of children with developmental and intellectual disabilities have left a job entirely because they couldn't manage the juggle anymore. In exit surveys, they write "better work-life balance," because that sounds better than the truth.

"You're already paying for it," she told me. "In lack of engagement, productivity, presenteeism." She's built a calculator to show the numbers: for a 5,000-person company at an $85,000 average salary, a 20% attrition rate means losing somewhere between $6.5 and $12.5 million a year. The employees who are leaving aren't disclosing why while they're there — and they're not disclosing it on the way out either.

The data she leads with in corporate conversations: 26.2% of children in the US now have what's considered special healthcare needs. It's sitting in every organization.

The Gap Between Policy and Practice

Heather now works with companies on four areas: benefits, policies, manager training, and ERG support. She's direct about where most organizations fall short.

Standard backup childcare benefits assume a parent can drop their child at any provider. A child with autism or complex medical needs requires someone with specific training — you can't just send whoever's available from a directory. Standard EAPs offer an average of three to six sessions. "You're not going to get anywhere with three sessions," she said. Paid caregiver leave is mandated in 14 states and DC, which means employees in the other 36 states are at the mercy of their employer's choices — if any exist.

But the deeper problem, she said, is that HR designs benefits and policies optimized for efficiency and administrative simplicity — not for the person trying to access them in a crisis. "When you're in crisis, your brain goes offline," she said. "To think you're going to navigate something complex — it's just not going to happen."

And even when the policy is right, the manager determines the employee's actual experience of it. "We train managers on how to prioritize, build goals, manage stakeholders," she said. "But we don't really train them enough on how to lead with trust and empathy and vulnerability and how to tune in to the less obvious signs."

To the Person in the Middle of It

When I asked Heather to speak directly to the caregiver who is carrying all of this right now and hasn't told anyone at work — she paused. "I can feel myself choking up," she said. She described being "out of her trauma cave" only recently, her son stable for the past nine months, violence-free for five.

What she said to that person: you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you, your child, or your family. Isolation is a default instinct, but it's not what helps. Build a team — specialists for your child and support for yourself. And know that it won't always be this hard. Celebrate the wins. Take a mental snapshot. "That'll give you hope on the bad days."

She also said this: the moment someone saw her, even without solving anything, mattered more than any policy could. "I feel seen for the first time" is what parents keep writing to her on LinkedIn.

Sometimes that's where it has to start.

If you're a tech professional, HR leader, or caregiver looking for support, Heather Laing can be found at complexcaregiversolutions.com or on LinkedIn. And if burnout — in any form — is something you're navigating, I work with clients at Peakworks Counseling specifically on burnout recovery.